I'm angry. I have been for about a month now. It wasn't clear about what. I tried to put it like a misplaced vase on a bookshelf in every spot I thought it might fit. It has to do with someone else. It has to do with work. It has to do with health, heartbreak, a wanting. But nothing fit truly.
Because the truth was I was mad at myself. I yet again had let months go by without following through with myself.
The truth is if my relationship with myself and myself was external, I would have dropped me like a hot potato years ago. I am not trustworthy. I don't follow through with my promises. I bail on myself for other people or just no reason at all.
The truth is the relationship with myself sucks. It isn't reliable and I honestly don't trust myself.
It is a weird place to be in my journey of self-discovery. It is also an honest place. Starting the year I said I wanted to write more and here I am two months in with my first "daily" blog post.
A vision board created, poster board of ideas, a Pinterest board of inspiration and tons of research and STILL, I won't get out of my own way.
SO it's time for me to look myself in the eyes and say: What am I so afraid of?
To try? Maybe.
The truth is... I'm afraid that even if I try it will never be how I want it. It will never match to the vision in my head. The next truth is that it probably won't. I can say I have found peace with this in my head, but the truth is I HAVN'T. The truth is right now I'm realizing I'm kinda full of shit. I only want to agree to things I actually want to follow through and do. I want to follow through and create a better relationship with myself. Will it be perfect? no.
But it will be Honest, Joyful, and Authentic.
Starting over starting now,