On the Eve of my Birthday month, I have some mixed emotions. I have been continued to the walls of our home with my parents and sister for 18 days. My therapist says I'm handling it well, and I am. I'm trying to use this time to work on things that I have always wanted to. However, I can see my flaws clearly without distractions and heightened awareness. I feel as though I'm looking at myself through a microscope. Seeing all the things I want to change and nowhere to run in the process.
Realizing where my energy is being wasted, in certain relationships that without the fun distractions, lights, music, and drinks... really seem quite empty. In certain habits like spending hours on my phone. In certain aspects of myself such as my accountability, time management, and focus.
Fears also have nowhere to hide and are being raised to the surface with no weights to keep them down. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of letting myself down. Fear of failing. I hate it. I hate it.
I have lots I want to accomplish and it never feels like enough. The truth is I'm not doing enough. That was a truth I avoided for a while. I convinced myself just like I did in high school, that I was working... But I was lying to myself.
So here is to actually do the work since I'm stuck here.
The other thing on my mind has been that I'm turning 25 next month. I have come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to celebrate with all my friends, but it hurts a bit. It feels selfish to worry about with all the students who are missing Prom and Graduation. If feels selfish with all the people helping in the hospitals and possibly exposing themselves to COVID-19. It feels selfish with all the people stuck in abusive households.
BUT I am sad. I had this plan to do all my favorite things and people could come to whatever aspect they wanted to be apart of. Here was the plan:
April 16th - All American Rejects at the Masquerade
April 17th - Meet up at a Rooftop Bar or Airbnb this would have been with everyone and their friends could come. Just a fun couple of hours to celebrate 25 years around the sun.
April 18th - Brunch with the close friends and anyone who couldn't come to the cocktail hour because they were working.
April 19th - Atlanta United Game and Tailgate before. If people wanted to just come to the tailgate and not go to the game that's fine too.
So instead I'm finding ways to figure out how to celebrate in other ways. I know I'll figure it out, but I hate having a plan that won't happen.
Either way. April here I come.