5/22/2021 - Just Keep Breathing...
Letting go of something I want is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I spent years of my life learning it was easier to not things than to try and get them and possibly fail. Terrible mindset but definitely a response to not wanting to fail.
But then I started wanting things. I started wanting a new career and pushed towards that. I started wanting new friends who had different thinking patterns. I started working towards the person I wanted to be and then I started wanting a partner.
And it felt silly because I had never wanted that before. It felt unfamiliar. I knew enough to know that if I thought about it too much I wouldn't run right into her. So I focused on doing the things that brought me joy and you know what? I found her.
But like lots of situations, it wasn't perfect, but we made it work. We grew together. We leaned on each other for support. We laughed at funny situations in our life. We dreamed together and planned together and hoped together.
It felt like it was supposed to feel. Almost better because it was different. It felt deeper and beautiful and unique.
And then it stopped. Like a beautiful sunset finally set for the day. Yeah, it felt like the right thing to do, but letting go of something so special and timeless will never feel right. Setting aside feeling I never even knew could exist within me feel like losing pieces of myself. I honestly am having a hard time understanding how to even do it. How do you let go of something better than anything you could have ever wanted?